Tantrum
by gryffindormischief
Summary: Remus plays mediator when James and Sirius get into an argument.


A/N: This feels like its almost a crack fic, but I made myself laugh. Dedicated to someone who knows who they are hehe :)

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Remus sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose, "James, Sirius was just _kidding_ -"

"I was not. Lily told me she thinks _my_ knowledge of muggles is superior, and consequently, she likes me the most of the four of us," Sirius stated importantly, tossing playing cards toward an overturned top hat. _When did we get a top hat?_

Shaking his head, James let out an indignant huff, hazel eyes narrowing at his _former_ best mate.

Deciding to try a different tack, Remus left reuniting the troublemakers for later, "James, I just don't understand how stonewalling is going to prove you're right. Don't you want to argue your point? Perhaps the fact that she's _married_ to one of you?"

Sirius scoffed, taking a healthy swig of his butter beer, "No he doesn't because he knows _I'm right._ Plus we all know the only reason she picked him over me is because I'm married to my bike. _"_

Shooting a glare towards his friend, Remus settled into the corner of the couch, tucking one socked foot underneath him and sipped his tea, lightly treated with whisky… _perhaps more would help dealing with these two…_

With a triumphant look on his chiseled face, Sirius sank further into the armchair closest to the fire, flicking the last card – the ace of spades… _how apropos_ – he propped his feet on the coffee table. Nonchalantly, the disinherited Black tossed a Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Bean into the air, catching it deftly and swallowing. Grimacing, he slumped down in the upholstery, "Ugh. _Haggis_."

James didn't respond, maintaining his stony silence, but a smug look spread across his face as he settled in front of the fireplace, his back to Sirius.

Remus padded to the kitchen, grateful that Sirius' victorious crowing had at least ended, and refilled his cup, the ratio of tea to whisky drastically altered. He turned to toss the used tea bag in the bin, glancing down as a warm droplet fell on his holey, worn sock. Shrugging, he picked up his tea and stepped into the hall, taking in the sight of his best friends, Sirius, now lounging as if a king on his throne, surveying his kingdom, which currently consisted of old packets of crisps, a Christmas tree smothered in tinsel, and a stag throwing a tantrum. Remus paused in the doorway, staring into James' still hazel eyes ringed by charcoal rings reminiscent of his spectacles of choice, " _James-"_

His renewed entreaties were cut off by the sound of a key in the door and Lily's call, "James? Boys? I'm home."

For the first time, Prongs showed something other than indignance, a slight look of trepidation crossing his tawny face. Sirius was stifling laughter, eyes twinkling mischievously as he waited for the big reveal. Lily soon rounded the corner breathlessly after placing the grocery bags in the kitchen, "So I got- You know I really shouldn't be surprised anymore."

Remus placed his tea on the end table, knocking over a small picture frame surrounding a photo of James and Lily on their wedding day with Sirius. Letting out a steadying breath, Remus raised his hands defensively, "Now Lily-"

The red head quirked a brow and Remus stuttered, "Er- I mean I'll fix it."

Lily laughed, striding back toward the kitchen to prepare supper, "Good luck Lupin. I think we both know stubborn James Potter is nearly unconquerable."

Remus turned back to James, who had puffed up at his wife's statement, eyes glinting dangerously, "I accept that challenge."

Prongs stepped back nervously; tail colliding with the fireplace tongs, sending the entire rack to the floor with a clang while Sirius flipped through _Transfiguration Today_ with unseeing eyes, the corners of his mouth twitching. With a final withering look for his quadruped friend, Remus stormed from the room, throwing his jacket over his arms haphazardly as he called out to Lily in the kitchen, "I'll be back. Keep an eye on our woodland friend." Mumbling unintelligibly, Remus departed with a _crack_.

Bored with his 'reading,' Sirius stood, apparently admiring the festively decorated evergreen in the corner of the cozy den, "Y'know Prongs, I've always found tawny brown to be a little drab."

James let out an indignant honk from low in his chest, stomping his front hoofs challengingly. Unperturbed, Sirius, lifted a clump of tinsel from the tree, "I think I know just how to fix it."

Not giving Sirius a chance to close the distance, Prongs backed away rapidly, blowing angry breaths from his muzzle. Sadly for the stag, Sirius had anticipated the likelihood of a scenario that involved fighting or fleeing and shouted for the young Mrs Potter, "Oi! Lily. James is running in the house."

"Don't make me tell Remus who ate the last of his birthday cake," Lily drawled as she appeared in the doorway with a mixing bowl.

"I _knew_ it wasn't Peter you liar," Sirius yelped, pointing an accusing finger between James' antlers.

Just as Lily was turning back to her dinner – a large roast and mashed potatoes…James' favorite – she paused, "Do whatever you like, Padfoot just don't break the swirly red baubles."

James grunted, shooting a dirty look toward his wife as Sirius clapped his hands gleefully. Lily was unapologetic as she drove the potato masher down into the bowl, "You brought this on yourself love."

Just as Sirius was placing the final touches on his holiday masterpiece – popcorn strung between the individual points – Remus banged the front door open, a light dusting of snow collected on his shoulders, "I need a work space."

"Got you covered Moony," Sirius answered, sweeping the detritus of the day, which included a Christmas mug and James' spare glasses, off the coffee table.

Stumbling slightly, Prongs returned to his spot in front of the hearth, curling his gawky limbs underneath his body and settling his gaudy head down with a huff.

Remus dumped out a satchel straining at the seams, revealing a collection of ancient looking books on the subject of human to animal transfiguration, "I told Pince they were for class. She apparently forgot I graduated a year ago."

"She always had a thing for you. Quite the fox she is. You should go for it Remus," Sirius advised, pulling a text toward him and scanning the table of contents.

Sirius and Remus buckled down, searching for a way to reverse an animagus transformation with little result, filling parchments with copious notes and munching popcorn pulled from James' antlers, who seemed to be less concerned with giving the cold shoulder and more concerned with beating Sirius. Once again, Lily appeared this time bearing three plates heavily laden with roast beef and creamy mashed potatoes dripping in gravy. "I was thinking we'd have a more casual evening lads," she stated, eyes never leaving her husband, who somehow managed to appear hungry despite his state.

With a bark of a laugh, Sirius extended his hands to receive the dish, licking his lips in anticipation. Remus, still too immersed to even notice the plate hovering in front of him, was called back to reality by a flick to his temple from Sirius, "You're wasting away Moony."

The three currently human members of the party ate their feast at a leisurely pace, James looking on dejectedly, gnawing on stale popcorn. Occasionally, Remus would be drawn back to his research, only to receive a dig in the ribs from Lily and Sirius in turns.

As Sirius was settling back into his seat with a heaping helping of seconds, he directed his attention to James, whose décor was drooping depressingly, "Prongs, you are missing out. Lily truly outdid herself on this one, mate."

James rolled his eyes, but otherwise remained unresponsive, his fur warm in the glow of the steady flames.

Growling, Remus shoved his half eaten meal away, grabbing for a previously unread text, "Damnit, I'm personally invested in this now. He can't win."

If possible for a stag, James managed to look smug.

Lily chuckled before successfully guilting Sirius into helping her clear away the dishes and tidy the living room – 'Really Sirius, again with the cards?'

By the time everyone had settled back down with steaming mugs of hot chocolate, Remus' cooling un-tasted, Prongs' eyelids were drooping tiredly, until he dozed off, occasionally twitching as he dreamed.

Soon, the wireless switched to the slow ballads expected in the evenings, and Sirius' former enthusiasm waned as he grew more tired with every passing moment. Head snapping up for the third time in the same number of minutes, Sirius slapped his hands to his knees, rapidly transforming to Padfoot and curling up at James' side, drifting to sleep before Lily even glanced up from her novel. When she did, a small affectionate grin spread over her face, "My husband is a child."

Remus grunted in response, muttering to himself, "I _will_ figure this out."

A quarter of an hour later, Lily surrendered to the cozy atmosphere, dozing as she curled up on the love seat with a blanket knitted by Peter during his domestic phase. Silence descended as the wind whistled through the bare trees scratching at the window, the dying fire only stoked to stave off the chill from Remus' writing-cramped fingers.

Soon, the sun was beginning to pierce the frigid night air, glaring off the meticulously clean window-panes. Remus ruffled his hair in a showing of his frustration, glaring at the page as if it was at fault. His eyes darted over the cramped text, dust motes flying with each turned leaf, until he let out an almighty 'whoop,' jarring his companions from sleep. Their waking moments were filled with the image of Remus whipping out his wand in an uncharacteristically showy manner and pointing it directly between James' panicked hazel eyes, "I've got you now, Potter."

Lily's emerald eyes widened, and before anyone could think, she'd disarmed the crazed Lupin, "Remus, please don't kill my husband."

Remus growled, "I'm not gonna kill him."

"Your dilated pupils and clenched fists say otherwise, love," Lily answered soothingly, tucking Remus' wand in her waistband.

With a sigh, Remus ran a hand over his weary face, "I _promise_. Just give me the wand."

Taking in slightly calmed expression, Lily looked at Sirius questioningly, but was sadly disappointed by the disinherited Black heir who had dozed again, stale popcorn caught in this shiny locks.

While she was distracted by Sirius' drool, Remus dived and snatched his wand flicking it towards James in a complex pattern. All conscious inhabitants froze, watching as James slowly shifted back to his long and lanky form. Remus smiled faintly and collapsed back onto the couch, grabbing Lily's blanket and pulling it over his head definitively a muffled instruction that he remain unmolested until dinner.

Lily folded her arms across her chest, staring at her now human husband, waiting for an explanation.

James blinked, mouth opening and closing wordlessly before he finally spoke, "Lily who do you like best, me or Sirius?"


End file.
